


Kalon

by g_bear07



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Full Moon, Hogwarts, Idiots in Love, James and Lily are good friends, M/M, Magic, Misunderstandings, Not really though, POV Remus Lupin, POV Sirius Black, Remus Lupin's Birthday, Sad Remus Lupin, Sad Sirius Black, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Werewolves, they're all idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:35:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29603247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/g_bear07/pseuds/g_bear07
Summary: "It was this exact moment when Sirius realised he really, REALLY fucked up. And it was times like these that he wished he owned a time turner (or perhaps he just needed to try harder at shutting his bloody mouth)"-Or, Sirius gets Remus a birthday gift and Remus doesn't take it well. They both just need to stop being stupid and just realise they are in love.Also I suck at summaries but I swear its good, you should read it.(Kalon btw means "the kind of beauty that is more than skin deep")
Relationships: James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & James Potter, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Kalon

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic so be nice! Wolfstar is my favourite non canon ship (lets be real though, it's totally canon) so I hope you enjoy it.  
> (As you read you'll notice that I don't actually say what Sirius got Remus for his birthday, that would be because I literally couldn't think of anything)  
> (Also I wrote this on a google doc and had to do a whole copy and paste thing, so sorry if some parts are a bit weird. I had some of the inner monologue in a different font so it made more sense while ready but during the copying and pasting the different font didn't stay.)

It was this exact moment when Sirius realised he really, REALLY fucked up. And it was times like these that he wished he owned a time turner (or perhaps he just needed to try harder at shutting his bloody mouth)

This whole ordeal started with an innocent (yet not so innocent) birthday gift to one Remus Lupin on March 10th, 1977.  
Now it was no secret that the Marauders were notorious pranksters and party throwers but what not many people knew was that these four best friends, every year without fail, raided the kitchen of all of that particular Marauders favourite foods and brought it back to the dorms to do a private gift exchange just the four of them. As much as Sirius enjoyed partying and getting pissed off on Firewhisky, this was always his favourite part of his Marauders birthday traditions. No one was quite sure when they started this tradition but Sirius was pretty sure it first happened on Remus’s thirteenth birthday when it happened to fall on that month's full moon. Peter, James, and him had raided the kitchen of all of its chocolatey sweets and brought them to Remus in the hospital wing.  
Another thing that wasn’t secret was that because of all of the bad blood in Sirius’s family he enjoyed going that extra mile and using his (blood money) inheritance to spoil his friends rotten whenever he got the chance. Honestly Sirius just wanted to make his friends happy but he would admit it was a small bonus when he got a letter from home saying how disappointed his mother was about how he was choosing to use his “precious” Black money (because seriously they had so much of it who cared if he spent a few extra galleons for a new broomstick for James or for an expensive coat for Peter). But that, that right there was where he went wrong.  
James, Peter, Remus, and him were all sat on their beds in their pajamas (well Sirius and James were in pajamas, Peter and Remus were just in really comfy jumpers) and laughing so hard over the look on McGonagall's face when she saw how the Marauders and made all of the statues, portraits, and suits of armor sing happy birthday in English and French (this was Sirius’s idea thanks to the many many years of French lessons) everytime Remus walked down the hallway. After everyone had calmed down James had suggested (more liked mumbled in Sirius’s opinion, he had his mouth full of Fizzing Whizbees) that they do gifts. Sirius watched as Remus blushed and insisted that they really didn’t have to bother with gifts and that he didn’t need anything but the rest of the Marauders just shushed him, told him to “stop being an annoying git” and to “let his friends spoil him”-James F. Potter. Peter had given Remus a knitted hat that he explained took him months to make because if he was being honest he was shit at knitting (this was something James and Sirius agreed with because they had both received knitted items from Pete that year to which had multiple holes in them) but Sirius had to admit that Peter had done a lovely job with Moony’s hat this year. James had given him a “Guide to Quidditch for Dummies” book as a gag because apparently he was “bloody tired of you looking confused at me when I say the word Quaffle. That is the most well known Quidditch thing Mooney!” and a few bars of chocolate. Now when it came to Sirius's turn he couldn’t help the flare of pride and nervousness that bloomed in his chest at the thought of giving Remus his gift. He didn’t like to think about the fact that for some not so unknown reason he had spent much more time and energy on Remus’s gift this year than usual, but when Remus had looked at him like he held all the answers in the universe for that split second when he handed over his gift, that not so unknown reason flooded his head and chest to the point that he felt like he might faint right into his Moony’s arms (not that Remus was his… or anything). But when Remus opened his gift and his face fell just slightly anxiety filled Sirius’s body and only continued to grow at Remus’s tight mouthed smile and even more tight “thank you”. As they all started to drift off to sleep or to bed Sirius couldn’t get the image of Remus’s face out of his head. He tried to tell himself that he probably just imagined it but the more he thought about it the more he worried and stressed. When he finally drifted off to sleep in the early hours of the morning he decided that he’d go try to talk to Moony about it and ask for James’s input in the morning.  
The next day was the blissful weekend so Sirius had a full two days to work up the nerve to ask Moony if he had messed up the gift or had done something wrong or to at least see if James had noticed Remus’s odd reaction. Sirius had decided that the sooner the better, so he was determined to ask Remus after breakfast when they had planned to study in the library. But when Sirius was met with a closed off and awkward conversation with Moony and an abrupt cancelation of their study plans his determination completely shattered and decided to talk to James first.  
He had found James in the common room by the fire appearing to be doing transfiguration homework at first glance but the closer Sirius got the more clearly he could see the Gryffindor Quidditch schedule underneath it. He plopped down a seat next to James and explained his situation and was met with an expression that resembled one James’s mother had given him once when he was being particularly stupid and could have rivaled with the ones Lily Evans gives James daily for being a daft idiot. James then brought up the most obvious answer to his problem that Sirius was wondering how he managed to get James as his friend while also mentally kicking himself for being so stupid.  
“I don’t know Pads, how would you feel if your friends spent a lot of money on you but you felt like you had no way of paying them back”  
Sirius was such an inconsiderate idiot. Why the bloody hell were they all friends with him?  
So, Sirius concluded that he would fix this mistake, work on being much more considerate ( all of the expensive gifts really came from the right place he just needed to consider others opinions on money more often), and apologize for being a git so that everything would be all fine and dandy again. But bloody Merlin was he so wrong.

This was how three days after Remus’s birthday Sirius was holding his much more considerate and heartfelt gift in one hand while facing Remus in their dormitory with an apology on his tongue.  
“Hey Moony, can I talk to you?”  
“Sure Pads, whats up?” Sirius didn’t miss the closed off expression on Remus’s face but soldiered on with the hope that Remus couldn’t be completely angry at him because he called him Pads, Pads was a good sign. Sirius would soon find out that “Pads” was not a good sign.  
“ Um, I-I just wanted to apologize for your birthday gift, I could tell you were upset and my idiotic self was recently brought to the realization that spending that much money on gifts is really inconsiderate and I am really sorry Remus. I really didn’t mean to make you upset, I can take it back if you want and this might also be inconsiderate but I have a replacement gift but I swear it didn’t cost one sickle,” Sirius knew he was rambling now but he was nervous and worried that Remus would hate him so he couldn't seem to stop talking which honestly could be why he was in the mess he was in now. “Anyway I’m just really sorry and I hope you’ll forgive my idiocy”  
Remus was silent for a while, just staring with a blank expression on his face which made Sirius worry much more than he thought was possible. But when he stood up and crossed the room to Sirius what came out of Remus’s mouth was the absolute last thing Sirius had expected.  
“It’s not the gift Sirius,” Remus started with an edge to his voice. Sirius was filled with a small releaf at his friends' words but it was quickly squashed along with all of the air in his lungs by what came out of Moony’s mouth next. “It’s how you can be so like them sometimes I wonder why you hate them.” Sirius knew exactly what them Remus was talking about and his heart and stomach sank right down to the dungeons at the low-blow stab at his family. Sirius knew just how like them he could be, it was the part of himself he hated the most but it meant something completely different when it came from one of his closest friends.  
“I know I can be inconsiderate of other people's feelings sometimes Moony and I’m really sorry, I really am trying to work on i-” Sirius didn’t even get a chance to push out the rest of his apology.  
“It’s not just that Sirius! You can be so vain and selfish and arrogant and self-centered and cruel!” Cruel. Sirius’s heart broke at that. Sure he was impulsive and could be hot headed when making decisions but cruel? Only in his innermost thoughts and worst fears had he ever considered himself cruel but to hear it out loud was something completely different. Sirius felt as if his entire world had just collapsed on him, as if everything that mattered suddenly felt very insignificant. But then, Sirius thought, that that was exactly what had happened wasn’t it? In some inconceivable way Remus had become his world, the thing he orbited around and needed to survive, and it had all been sucked up into the black hole that was the word Cruel. 

All Sirius could do was stare into the molten lava pits of Remus’s amber eyes as the world finally came back together, put into focus, even though it was now missing something vital and oddly Remus shaped.  
“I’m sorry Remus.” Sirius whispered. It was so quiet he wasn’t even sure the mice would hear it. With his head hanging low, Sirius walked towards the door to the common room leaving Remus and the now forgotten apology gift behind.

Sirius had promised himself he wouldn't cry over this (at least not until he reached the astronomy tower or somewhere more private) because it wasn’t like anything Remus said wasn’t true, he tells himself these very things all the time you’re not good enough, they will realize their mistake and leave eventually, you’re a Black it’s in your blood to be this way, you aren’t like them. But no matter what he had promised himself, as soon as that door shut behind him the tears fell in smooth and easy streaks down his face while he quietly sobbed over what felt like a loss of friendship.  
Sirius cried all the way to the astronomy tower and turned into Padfoot to make the journey quick and easy. As soon as the astronomy tower door closed he finally let himself sob as he fell to the floor in anguish. He cried and cried and even when he felt like he had nothing more to give, he kept on crying until the sun started to rise and he felt painfully numb to the world.

Meanwhile in the boys dormitory Remus was sitting on his bed cross legged while holding a rectangular box that was neatly wrapped, and questioning all of his life choices that lead up to that moment. The moment Sirius’s face fell just kept replaying over and over in Remus’s head while he fiddled with the ribbon on Sirius’s “apology” gift. Right now Remus found himself fighting over weather he should burn the box to ashes or give into his curiosity and open it. Ultimately, curiosity won out. As he peeled off the wrapping paper he realised the gift was an old battered copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, weird. Remus pulled out the book and threw the paper across the room to be forgotten about. Remus was ready to disregard this weird so called “apology” gift as unimportant but when he pulled back the front cover he noticed an inscription in Sirius’s elegant handwriting. “I truly am sorry Remus and hope this will make up for my unthoughtfulness, love Sirius. P.S. turn to page 128 for a surprise xoxo”. Against Remus’s better judgment curiosity won again so he continued turning until he found said page. Rems wouldn’t have said he felt (entirely) guilty about anything he said to Sirius but that was until he laid eyes on a certain page 128. In that moment guilt flooded through Remus’s entire body, it was to the point where he felt like he might drown in it. Page 128 was the page on werewolves. But instead of a bunch of terrifying pictures and warnings about their lethalness he found two pages worth of pictures of him. There were even little notes under some of the pictures saying things like “If you are considering befriending a werewolf keep in mind that you will be making a life long companion (or at least if you keep a lasting supply of chocolate)” with another one saying “If you find the jumper of a werewolf in its natural habitat make sure to leave it EXACTLY where you found it otherwise you’ll be hexed to jump up and down for days until he accepts your apology”. Sirius even changed the XXXXX rating to an X rating because “You fold your socks Moony, so I’m sorry that I’m not trembling at the sight of you. Honestly the only reason you have one X is because I know what happens when I take your chocolate”. Remus was suddenly filled with so much gratitude he felt like he might burst. But when the dust settled he found himself swallowed up by the guilt of everything he had just said. How could he say that to Sirius, he is one of your closest friends? I have to go find Lily.

“...and then he gave me this really thoughtful gift! Look at this Lily and try to tell me I’m not a complete ass, cus guess what? You can’t!”  
“Remus you’re not an ass you just made a mistake.” Never in Remus’s life would he have ever thought Lily Evans to be completely nuts but apparently the universe likes to torture him. You see, after Remus’s enitial break down over how much of a complete ass he was he decided to go find Lily for some advice (because everyone knows that she’s the only sensible person Remus knows) and he’s now realizing that that might have not been a great idea.  
“Well obviously Lily, but how the bloody hell am I supposed to fix it?! I threw his family in his face, he’s never going to forgive me!” Remus threw his hands up in the air in frustration while Lily just shook her head at him like one would if they were scolding a silly child.  
“Alright Remus don’t get your granny pannies in a twist, you just got to apologize and maybe give him some time.”  
“You know what Lily you’re right, I wonder why I didn’t think of that,” Remus remarked sarcastically. Lily just rolled her eyes at him as if to say Remus was being particularly daft. “I mean what am I going to do when he inevitably never speaks to me again because I’m the worst friend ever and utterly horrible.”  
“I mean it was a very sweet gift,”  
“Lilly!”  
“Alright, alright, I’m sorry. But what makes you think he won’t ever speak to you again, I mean, you two have fought before. Plus he thinks the world of you Remus, just go apologize. Alright?” It was in moments like these that Remus realized why he was such good friends with Lily, she always found a way to make him realize how stupid he was being.  
“Yeah, alright, you’re right, as always.”  
“See, now you see reason.” They both broke into laughter after that and couldn’t stop until Remus’s eyes were watering and his lungs could actually grasp oxygen. Lily was right, he just had to find a way to apologize, how hard could it be?

Apparently very, very hard. Remus tried to find a time to speak to Sirius and apologize but again the universe hates him. It's either Sirius is outright ignoring him, avoiding him, or trying to be pleasant with him which is somehow worse than ignoring. But throughout the week Remus kept trying and trying and trying until he inevitably had to give up and give SIrius his space like Lily said “He’s hurtling Remus, you can’t expect him to want to talk to you right away”. But Remus was never a very patient person so after another week of “space giving” he cracked and decided to confront Sirius at breakfast the next morning (this, Remus would discover would turn out to be a horrible idea).  
“Hey Pads, can I talk to you for a moment, possibly in private?” Remus asked casually at the dining hall (trying to be as discreet as possible).  
“Why? We have nothing to talk about Remus.” Sirius answered coldly, clipped off. Remus? This was not a good sign.  
“Padfoot, I’d really like to talk to you,”  
“Well I’d rather not talk to you Rem so I’ll see you later” And with that Sirius stood up and stalked out of the Great Hall with James trailing behind him, while looking back at Remus curiously.

“Hold up Padfoot, slow down” James shouted from down the hallway. Sirius ignored it though, he really didn’t want to have to talk to James about this. Everytime he thought about it it was like a dagger lodged itself in Sirius’s chest over and over until he ultimately broke down and cried all over again. It really was quite pathetic and Sirius didn’t want James or anyone else for that matter to see him like that.  
“Just go away Prongs I’m fine.”  
“No you’re not. What was that with you and Moony?” James tried to pull at Sirius’s arm to make him stop but Sirius just kept walking, shaking him off.  
“It's nothing Prongs, just drop it, please” Merlin, SIrius already sounded desperate but he couldn’t quite care. Because he was desperate, he was desperate for it to stop hurting so much.  
“That didn’t look like nothing Padfoot. Are you and Moony having a lovers spat?” Sirius could give James one thing, he was very persistent.  
“That is not funny and we are fine so just drop it.” Sirius really didn’t want to talk about it.  
“Look, I know you two have been arguing for at least two weeks, but I was hoping you’d come talk to me about it so when you didn’t I started to get worried. Are you alright Sirius? You know you can tell me.” Sirius turned around then to see James, his best friend, his brother, looking at him with complete and utter sincerity. How did Sirius get so lucky?  
“Alright you pushy prick, but can we head up to the dormitory first?”  
“Anything you want Padfoot.” Sirius smiled at James weakly and motioned for him to come along and follow him to the Fat Lady’s portrait hole.  
When they reached their dormitory Sirius quickly shucked off his uniform and opted for a comfortable knitted jumper with a pair of pajama bottoms. Sirius always felt that comfort is key when having difficult discussions (at least that’s what Mrs. Potter always said). Once the two of them were both situated did either of them start talking.  
“Did it have to do with Remus’s birthday?” James asked. Sirius thought that James already knew the answer to that question but was just looking for confirmation so Sirius just nodded his head in answer. “Yeah I figured that's what this was about”  
“You know, you’re really not helping” Sirius commented, he didn’t feel like being judged for his already acknowledged poor life choices.  
“Sorry, sorry. So what happened then? I know you went to apologize so I thought that that’d be the end of it.” Sirius then went into vague detail about the events that occurred on that horrid day while James just looked at him in complete concentration, like he was absorbing and analyzing every single word Sirius said.  
“...and then I basically wept in the astronomy tower like the idiot that I am until the literal sun came up and went back to bed.”  
“Ah so that’s why you looked like a corpse that morning” James wondered aloud.  
“You really aren’t helpful. Why am I friends with you again?” Sirius asked jokingly. What he really meant was why are you friends with ME again?.  
“Hey! You love me,”  
“You wish.”  
“Anyway, I’m really sorry about that Pads, that sucks. I wouldn’t have expected him to react that way if I’m being honest but you should talk to him, it sounded like he wanted to apologize.”  
“I know I just-I don’t know if I can forgive him yet. Does that sound horrible? I feel horrible” Sirius had to put his face in his hands to stop himself from crumbling.  
“No of course not, he hurt you, you’re aloud to be upset about it. And look, I know we don’t really talk about this but I know you actually think those things about yourself,” Sirius was about to deny it when James gave him the death glare to end all death glares. Sirius shut up. “Don't bother denying, I know you do. But you have to know that it's really not true. You are a wonderful person Padfoot and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life.” Sirius had absolutely no words. He felt like he was gonna be sick and then cry an entire ocean. How did I get so lucky? Instead SIrius just threw his arms around James in a tight embrace while he tried to hold back tears.  
“Thanks James,” Sirius whispered into James’s shoulder.  
“Anytime Pads, what are Marauders for? I’ll go talk to Moony”  
“No James,”  
“Too late, I’m gone!” and with that James was gone, before Sirius could even stop him.  
“Oh shit”

It was the end of the school day when Remus saw James again, he appeared to actually be having an actual conversation with Lily on the couch in the common room, and Lily was actually letting him.  
“Hello.” Remus greeted them.  
“Ah Moony, just the Marauder I was looking for!” Remus didn’t take James’s excitement as a good sign but he figured it couldn’t be all bad if James was still talking to him. “I had a lovely conversation with Sirius and now an even more lovelyer one with Evans,” Lily sent him eye daggers for that comment “and it has come to my attention that you and our Padfoot need to have a discussion.” Oh no. Remus moved cautiously over towards the couch to start what will probably be the worst and most awkward conversation of his life.  
“Look James, you have to know that I am really sorry, I was out of line and shouldn’t have said those things to Padfoot.”  
“Right you are Moony, that's the attitude I want to hear! But it seems that our dear Padfoot isn’t ready to have that conversation which is very understandable, I mean I really don’t get why-”  
“What James is trying to say,” *dagger eyes* “is that you should try to go apologize to Sirius just don’t expect him to forgive you quite yet.”  
“Yeah you’re right, I know you’re right it’s just that-wait, did Padfoot really say he couldn’t forgive me because if that’s the case-” Remus tried to stay calm with this newfound information but found that he couldn’t keep himself from panicking. If Sirius really couldn’t forgive him Remus didn’t know what he’d do.  
“No-no of course not Moony, calm down. He’s just hurt so he might not be able to right away.” James explained, trying to calm Remus down.  
“Okay-okay good. But how am I supposed to get him to talk to me?” Remus then heard the portrait hole open for a fellow Gryffindor. He watched as the person caught James and Lily’s attention.  
“That’s how” Lily explained, while pointing to a person that just so happened to be the SIrius Black. James and Lily both gave Remus a look that said well go on and Remus decided right then and there that if Lily and James didn’t get together by the end of the year then HE’D have to give them the intervention. So while Remus attempted to gather any and all the courage he possessed, he got up and walked over to Sirius with an apology stuck in his throat.

It was late evening when SIrius finally came back to the common room and at this point in the day Sirius was two seconds away from collapsing on his bed. But, the universe had other plans so instead of being in his comfy bed, ready to drift off into the oblivion that is sleep, Sirius found himself confronted with a guilty looking werewolf and two overly nosey friends. Thank Merlin the common room was basically empty.  
“Hey Padfoot, I know you don’t want to talk to me,”  
“Great to see we’re on the same page.” Sirius didn’t want to have this conversation. He’ll need to remember to hex James for this later.  
“But I wanted to say that I’m really sorry. I had no right to say those things to you and I’m sorry.” Sirius knew that he should probably accept Remus’s apology but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He wanted Remus to understand exactly how much he hurt him, so maybe Remus was right about him but for right now he couldn’t care less.  
“Good, now that we have that out of the way can you move please?” Sirius could tell that Remus wasn’t expecting that so he used his distraction to move past Remus towards the boys stairwell.  
“Are you really not gonna talk to me?” Sirius turned around to see Remus staring at him with a sad expression plastered over his face and yet this only made Sirius more miserable. Remus isn’t allowed to be upset over this, it's not like I’m the one that imploded his whole world.  
“I did talk to you, now I’m going to bed.” Sirius moved to turn away but Remus grabbed his arm, stopping him.  
“Can you really not forgive me Sirius? I mean I’ve forgiven you for worse than this.” Remus was getting mad now. Good.  
“Oh, so what? It's a competition now, for who can hurt the other more? If that’s the case then let me ask you this Remus, how would you feel if one of the most important people in your life not only threw every single thing you hate most about yourself back in your face but actually thought all of them too. Because that’s what you did to me Remus, you took every single insecurity, every single thing I hate about myself and stabbed me in the back with them. It’s one thing to acknowledge and accept my faults and be my friend despite them but it’s another thing entirely to use them against me. So that Remus is why no, I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive you.” As soon as all the words left Sirius’s tongue the anger washed away and was replaced with utter sadness. If he had cared enough to pay attention he would have noticed James trying to hold back tears while Lily’s fell silently down her face as he made his way upstairs, to get into bed (and possibly not get up ever again).

What the fuck had Remus done?

For the next few days Sirius mainly kept to himself outside of meals and the occasional conversation with James. Sirius kept busy doing all of his school work, reading, and Quidditch. It had gotten to the point of which Sirius had finished all of that week's homework and then some (he even had time to help Peter with all of his work). Sirius could tell that all of his teachers were happy he finally cleaned up his act (McGonagall was sceptical) even though the reality is that if Sirius didn’t keep busy, if he didn’t do all of his work and then some, he’d surely have a complete break down and he wasn’t sure if he’s be able to get back up.  
It was March 29th, two days before the full moon, when McGonagall finally asked Sirius to stay for a chat after class. If Sirius was being honest he’d say that he was shocked that McGonagall hadn’t done this sooner (and by sooner he means the exact second he stopped interrupting class). But Sirius thinks that McGonagall held off from this discussion for so long because she knows that Sirius takes Remus’s notes for him the week of the full moon (another thing he’s been busy with), but as soon as she realised his grades were improving to she knew it wasn’t just note taking for Remus that kept him quiet.  
“Hello Mr. Bl-Potter, how are you this evening?” Sirius had flinched at the sound of his family and was profoundly grateful to McGonagall for the correction.  
“I’m alright professor.” Sirius answered politely.  
“Why don’t you have a seat and take a biscuit if you wish.” Sirius watched as McGonagall observed him skeptically as he (again) politely took his seat but didn’t take a biscuit (like he usually would). “Now, as much as I do love to see your grades improving, not that there were anything wrong with them in the first place, you always did exceptionally well in my class, I must ask Mr. Potter if everything is alright? Because, and don’t take this the wrong way Mr. Potter I’m simply concerned, not only have you improved in my class but all of your other classes and have stopped any foolish behavior that would normally have been very common for you to participate in.”  
“I assure you professor, I’m perfectly fine.” Sirius hates that his “Blackness” shows through when he’s in these moods but he couldn’t care enough to change the behavior. McGonagall seemed very sceptical about his answer but didn’t fight him.  
“Well, if that’s the case then you are free to leave Mr. Potter. But keep in mind that I am always here if you need anyone to talk to.” Sirius knew McGonagall’s offer was sincere and while he did wish to talk to someone about his current situation, he found himself declining his professor’s offer.  
“I’m alright professor but thank you.” and with that Sirius got up, grabbed his book bag, and headed to lunch.

The first thing Remus knew when he woke up that morning was that tonight's full moon is going to be a living hell. His head was pounding so hard he felt like he was going to be sick. His body felt like sand was flowing through it instead of blood. And all of his muscles were in an uncontrollable clench. So basically Remus felt like shit and couldn’t move at all.  
“Morning Rem-” James. Merlin this was going to be a long day.  
“SSHHHHHH” Remus whisper-yelled hoping to save his head from the pain but just ended up making it throb instead of pound.  
“No class for you today then?” James asked from the bathroom (with a toothbrush in his mouth),  
“Please, no more noise, I think I’m dying.” Remus groaned. The simple act of speaking took so much energy and caused too much pain to be worth it. Looks like Remus will be reduced to sign language today (if he would actually find the motivation to learn it that is).  
“I’ll take that as a no then, no problem we’ll just take you to the infirmary and bring you your meals. And Moony, there’s no need to thank us, I know you were about to,” Remus was about to “we are your friends and are happy to do it.” James turned to look at Remus and smiled widely, Remus smiled back weakly in return and in thanks.  
“Peter!”  
“What?!” Remus could faintly make out a lump under the blankets of Peters bed which Remus figured Petes sleepy form rests.  
“Wormtail, now that you’re awake,”  
“You woke me up!”  
“Exactly, like I was saying, now that you’re awake, do you want food duty or Padfoot duty?” Remus had no idea what Padfoot duty was and would normally have asked but given his current situation he chose to just keep his mouth shut.  
“Ummm food duty. At least I’ll get something I want out of that.” Peter answered as he sluggish climbed out of bed.  
“Alright,” James said, chuckling to himself “I guess that leaves me then to deal with the moody git.”  
“Where is Sirius anyway? It's awfully early.” pondered Peter. Remus would be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t wondering the exact same thing.  
“Who knows.”  
“But he hasn’t been here all week, I’ve only seen him in class.” Remus realised that they had unintentionally really left Peter out of the loop for the past month.  
“Do you not know Pete? Sorry mate, anyway Padfoot and Moony here are having a row.” James explained as he pulled his shirt over his head.  
“Really?” Peter asked with wide eyes at Remus. “About what?”  
“It's a long story Wormy so let's just say that Padfoot is pissed at Moony so has decided avoiding him is the best solution.”  
“Are you serious?”  
“No I’m James”  
“Haha, I mean really? I didn’t think they could go one day without talking to each other let alone a whole week.” Remus would have really liked knowing what the bloody hell Peter meant by that but couldn’t find the want to injure himself further by asking. Surely he didn’t know tha-no, no he couldn’t possibly know.  
“Ha, I know right?” Did Peter and James know something that Remus didn’t? Because right now he feels very out of the loop. “Anyway, Remus? When Petes done we’ll get you down to the infirmary okay?” All Remus could manage was a nod in confirmation.  
Once Remus was in his comfy hospital bed and had all of his potions he bid his friends -1 goodbye and fell into blissful sleep.

It was quiet. Too quiet. The wolf was angry and out for blood. With the dark woods looming over him he prowled through the forest looking for his preferred prey, the one that keeps evading him, the dog. This dog was unlike any other. The wolf wanted the dog, hungered for him in a way he never has before yet the dog kept escaping the wolf's grasp. Not tonight, tonight the wolf would finally savor in the victory of catching the notorious dog. There. Right there. His scent. Finally. The wolf ran and ran and ran, until the dog's scent was so close he could practically taste it. The wolf had finally ran into a clearing, a clearing that held one very sneaky black dog right in the center of it. The wolf was on the hunt. Stupid stupid dog the wolf thought. He doesn’t even know I’m here. So, the wolf steadied his body, readying to pounce. 1… 2… 3… CHOMP.

Remus woke up frantic, sweat dripping down his forehead. Once his vision cleared he could see Madame Pomfrey standing over him with a kind expression on her face.  
“Is it time to go?” he asked, while trying to get his breathing under control.  
“Nearly, you have about five minutes. Here,” she said, offering Remus a glass of water and a potion that would help with nausea.  
“Thanks”  
“No problem dear.” and with that Madame Pomfrey walked away to go check on the other patients.  
Just as Madame Pomfrey had said five minutes later Remus found himself being escorted to the Shrieking Shack by Madame Pomfrey and professor McGonagall.  
“Now remember to be careful Remus.” Madame Pomfrey warned. Remus knew they had nothing to worry about, he had his Marauders. Though Remus was afraid to admit that he wasn’t sure if Sirius would show up, he hoped he would.  
“I will, thank you professors.”  
“You’re very welcome deary, I’ll be right here in the morning as always.” and with that Remus headed inside the entrance of the Whomping Willow into the Shrieking Shack while his professors headed back to the castle.  
The walk to the Shack was long and slow but Remus didn’t mind, it gave him time to think. What if Padfoot doesn’t show up? Will Sirius really not forgive him? How much more time does he need? Should I be trying harder? How would I feel about Padfoot not being there? All of these questions and thoughts ran through Remus’s brain at 100 miles per hour while he made his way to the Shack and Remus didn’t like the answers he came up with for any of them.  
When he reached the Shack he found James and Peter already sitting down on the dusty old floor of the main room in the Shack. Remus was suddenly filled with such gratitude (like he is every full moon) he felt like he might burst but, no Sirius.  
“How’d you two get here before me?” Remus asked while he made his way to the center of the room.  
“You look awful mate.” James remarked.  
“Thanks” Remus said in answer while letting out a breathy laugh.  
“No problem, but we left a bit early, we had a free period and Madame Pomfrey said you were asleep.”  
“Oh well thanks mate”  
“No problem”  
There was nothing else to say except for that one question that Remus dare not speak is Sirius coming? Evidently the answer seemed to be no but Remus didn’t want a confirmation, he doesn’t know how he’d react. So, there was nothing left to do but sit, and wait.

This might be petty but Sirius didn’t want Remus to know he was coming tonight. Sirius didn’t think he could take the look on Remus’s face if he showed up or what he’d ultimately say. Sirius still didn’t feel ready to talk to him. So that's how Sirius found himself running down the tunnel to the Shack as Padfoot (an hour later than usual) hurrying to help his friend. When Sirius reached the Shack Remus was already transformed with Prongs trying to keep Moony from clawing himself up. Padfoot rushed forward, with the intent of distracting Moony, get him to play but Moony just kept on clawing at his own back. Padfoot then tried barking to get Moony’s attention but only looked up to acknowledge Padfoot before he continued his scratching, almost getting Prongs in the process. In Padfoot's last ditch effort he tackled Moony with the intents of trying to get Moony to play wrestle with him. This did not work. At all. Instead Moony must have thought Padfoot was attacking him because Moony shoved Padfoot off and against a wall hard where Moony met Padfoot with a lunge. And that's when everything went dark. 

Remus woke up in the infirmary. His whole body ached and was covered in bandages. Remus hasn’t had a moon this bad in a long time but what else was he expecting, his emotions have been all over the place lately. Looking around the room Remus found James sitting in a chair across from him but he wasn’t looking at him, he was staring intently at the person lying down in the bed next to Remus’s. Sirius. Sirius was unconscious in the bed next to his. Remus just stared as his stomach dropped and his head spinned. This couldn't be happening, Sirius wasn’t supposed to be there. Guilt quickly washed over Remus in waves, he was going to be sick.  
“What happened?” Remus asked the silence. James turned to face him, looking surprised that Remus was awake but quickly composed himself.  
“Sirius showed up after you had transformed, I hope you know he’d never miss a full moon, no matter how upset he is. Anyway, you kept on hurting yourself, Moony was in a bad mood, so Padfoot tried to help but Moony got angry and kind of…”  
“Kind of what James?” James let out a sigh through his nose, like it hurt him to explain it to Remus.  
“Moony threw Padfoot against a wall and lunged at him. At first it looked like he might have just been playing but then he clawed at Padfoot's chest…”  
“There's something you’re not telling me Prongs. What is it?”  
“I don’t want to hurt you Rem.” James admitted timidly.  
“Just say it Prongs, it's alright.” James let out another sigh but kept going.  
“Moony almost killed him Rem.” Remus didn’t think it was possible for him to feel more guilty but he was very wrong. He just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry until he had nothing left to give. I almost killed Sirius. But before Remus could think anymore about how much of a monster he was for almost killing his best friend, Madame Pomfrey walked over with Remus’s potions.  
“How are you feeling love?” she asked with a kind smile on her face.  
“Not great Poppy.” Remus only called her Poppy when he was too tired to filter himself but she didn’t seem to mind.  
“I’m sorry dear, I’ll go bring you some food so that you can take a good long nap afterward alright?”  
“That’d be nice, thanks.”  
“No problem dear. But Mr. Potter I don’t think Mr. Black will be waking up anytime soon so you should rest as well. I know there’s no point in asking you to leave so take a bed if you must.” and with that she was gone.  
“You really should get some sleep James, you look awful” Remus suggested.  
“And yOu need to stop feeling guilty, it's not a good colour on you” James countered back. Remus couldn't help but giggle. Leave it to James Potter to make a bad situation funny. “Seriously though Remus, don’t beat yourself up. It's not your fault, what that thing Sirius always says, “the wolf’s a part of you but you’re not part of the wolf” something or other.”  
“Yeah that's what he tells me.” Remus never quite got what Sirius is on about when he says that, maybe he should have Sirius explain it. James then started to tell Remus all of the nice things he missed that week while he was dealing with his “furry little problem”. Peter exploded his cauldron in potions, James asked out Lily and failed spectacularly, Sirius has been getting O’s in all of his classes, and apparently Alice and Frank are going out now.  
“Oh! I almost forgot.” James then handed Remus a stack of neatly written notes that must have been from this week's classes. “Sirius gave me these to give to you yesterday. He had Lily do the ones he couldn’t because apparently “Moony can’t read your handwriting Prongs” I know you can read my handwriting Moony, Padfoot was just being a twat.” Remus actually really couldn’t read James’s handwriting. How did Sirius know that?  
“Sirius took notes for me?” Remus didn’t understand why Sirius would do this for him, maybe he doesn’t hate me after all.  
“Of course he did, Padfoot always takes your notes.”  
“I know, I just...I thought he hated me.”  
“Moony, don’t be ridiculous, Padfoot literally couldn’t hate you if he tried.” Despite Remus’s best efforts he couldn’t quite believe James. How could someone as kind and lovely and Sirius not hate something as horrible as what lay inside Remus?  
“If you say so Prongs…”  
“You know what? I do say so, now you need to stop whatever self-loathing you got going on in your head and see reason.” James always had a way of making the most complicated of problems seem not so complicated. It was one of the things Remus admired about his friend and tried to strive for himself. Another thing about James though was that once he got an idea in his head there was so swaying him, so instead of arguing (no matter how much Remus might want to) Remus just nodded his head and lied back down to try to get more sleep. 

The first thing Sirius remembered was the flaring, unbearable pain. It was totally and completely consuming Am I dead? I must be dead. After what felt like an internaty the pain subsided into darkness; the kind of darkness you could drown in.

When Sirius finally woke up it was to a pounding headache, blinding lights, and the sterile smell of the hospital wing. As the ringing in Sirius’s ears subsided he could hear the faint whispers of, what Sirius could only guess, were Peter and James. They both seemed to be in a quiet discussion with the recipient of the hospital bed beside Sirius’s, if SIrius had to guess he would have bet this particular recipient was one Remus Lupin. Remus. Moony had attacked Sirius last night (if it was even last night, how long had he been out?). As much as Sirius knew he couldn’t hold what had happened against Remus (and Sirius would never blame him for anything the wolf did) he couldn’t help but wonder if Remus’s feelings towards Sirius had contributed to Moony’s attack on Padfoot. Moony loved Padfoot, the two would always play and Sirius couldn’t help but admit that Moony did seem to favor Padfoot over Prongs or Wormtail. So why would he have attacked? Does Remus hate me that much? But before Sirius’s thoughts and worries could get away from him James turned his head to realize that Sirius was now awake.  
“Oi Padfoot! How you feelin mate?” James asked way too loudly. James’s proclamation had Peter and Remus’s attention now turned to him. Sirius was never one to shy away from the attention of others but when Remus’s eyes met his, he couldn’t help the feeling of wanting to hide under the covers and never come out again (nevermind the fact that Sirius couldn’t help the flush that flooded his face when he saw the concerned look in Moony’s eyes).  
“I’ve been better.” Sirius expressed accompanied with a groan as he sat up.  
“Yeah I bet mate.” James said with a bit of a laugh. Him and Peter then moved both of their chairs to the inbetween space between Remus and Sirius’s beds.  
“So...what exactly happened? It’s all a bit fuzzy.” Sirius asked timidly. He watched all the expressions on his friends faces change. James' face flooded with concern, Peter seemed nervous of what seemed to be an inevitable conflict, and Remus. Remus's face seemed to swamp in about a dozen emotions over the span of two seconds, all emotions Sirius couldn’t seem to decipher. Sirius then moved his focus back to James thinking that he would be the best person to get an answer out of, yet it was Remus that answered his question.  
“I almost killed you Padfoot” he whispered. Did Remus sound annoyed? “You weren’t supposed to be there tonight so I almost killed you.”  
“What do you mean I wasn’t supposed to be there? I’m always there.” Now Sirius was confused, did Moony not want him there? Is that why he attacked?  
“I mean you shouldn’t have been there.” Remus just stared at Sirius with hard eyes and a serious expression plastered over his face.  
“Rem, I might be upset at you but that doesn’t mean I won’t be here for you. When we all became Animagus we were making you a promise that you’d never be alone for a full moon. We as in me, I’m not going to leave you because we’re having a row.” Did Remus really think he'd abandon him because of one argument?  
“Well you don’t have to worry about that promise Sirius, it's not like I would have been alone, I have Prongs and Wormtail.” Remus couldn’t be serious? That’s my job. This wasn’t happening, Remus wouldn’t do this to him. Dread filled Sirius’s stomach at the mere thought of not being at every full moon.  
“Just say it Remus, we all know you're thinking it. If that's how you feel just say it” Please don’t say it, please.  
“I. Don’t. Want. You. There.” he said it.He actually said it. Sirius turned to look over at James who looked just as shocked as he felt. Sirius felt like he was in a free fall with no bottom, no ending.  
“If this is supposed to be your backwards way of protecting me then you need to stop the bullshit. Its my choi-”  
“No, I just don’t want you there, it's as simple as that.” Okay, maybe he was being serious. How could Remus do this? Why was he doing this? Sirius couldn't decide between crying his eyes out or screaming in Remus’s face. But Sirius is a coward so he opted for a third, safer option; lying down and going back to sleep.  
Throughout Sirius’s attempt at sleep he thought he caught snippets of conversation.  
“What was that about?”  
“Just drop it Prongs”  
“You should talk to him-”  
“No.”  
“You can’t keep-”  
“Just stop it Prongs, I get it”

By the time Remus and Sirius had been permitted to leave the infirmary Remus had opted to avoid Sirius at all costs. For the next week Remus didn’t speak, look, or acknowledge Sirius which a week ago might not have mattered too much but now, now it made Sirius want to dig himself a hole and live there for the rest of his life. I thought I was supposed to be the mad one. It had gotten so bad that Sirius had a complete breakdown in front of James (and almost the entire student body) because Remus had said “you and Black” when addressing James and how they had planned to go sneak into Hogsmeade for some chocolate. This is how Sirius found himself knocking on professor McGonagall’s door after class hoping to get some advice.  
“Come in.” Sirius pushed open the large wood oak door of McGonagall’s office and made quick work of closing it and sitting down politely in the offered seat across from her desk. “Hello Mr. Potter, what brings you to see me this evening?”  
“Well, y-you see professor,” why was he so nervous? Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that he was about to poor out all of his teenage troubles onto the most serious acting women he knew? Yeah, that's probably it. “I was hoping I could talk to you-if the offer was still open of course.”  
“Of course it is, what is it you wish to speak about?” she asked politely while she intertwined her fingers on the desk. Merlin this was going to be embarrassing.  
“Well, it's a long story so I guess the first thing you should know so that you’ll understand at least one of my problems is that I’m an Animagus, I turned last year so that I could help Moony-sorry Remus with full moons a-”  
“I’m just going to stop you right there Mr. Potter. Are you telling me that you and your friends, and yes I said friends because when one of you boys does something the others are sure to follow, are not only unregistered Animagus, which might I add is illegal, but you also managed to do this at the age of 15?” If Sirius didn’t know better he might have said that McGonagall looked slightly impressed.  
“Yes professor.”  
“Why am I not surprised? Anyway, you may continue Mr. Potter.”  
“Thank you professor. As I was saying we all did it to help Moony on full moons, which is how I got injured last week, but because of this spat me and Remus had after his birthday he now doesn’t want me there anymore even though I was the one upset at him! I just don’t know what to do, he won’t even look at me much less speak to me and… yeah, I’m sorry to bring this to you professor its just-” Sirius let out a frustrated sigh. Saying his issue out loud really made it sound silly and childish now that he thinks about it.  
“It’s alright Mr. Potter. In my opinion though, I think you should give Mr. Lupin this month to sort everything out for himself and if he’s still in a state then you should go talk to him and sort it out before the next moon.” she suggested calmly. In Sirius’s mind this seemed like a good plan and it made him wonder why he didn’t always listen to McGonagall. Because it’s more fun not to. Ah yes, that’s why.  
“Thank you professor, I’m sorry I had to bring this to you, I know it’s silly-”  
“No Mr. Potter, it’s quite alright, I just hope you take my advice.”  
“Yeah, I think I will, thanks again professor.”  
“You’re very welcome Mr. Potter.” and with that Sirius got up and headed towards the door to go to dinner. And if McGonagall let slip a small proud smile while he left then that would just be our little secret.

With Sirius’s new-found hope, he practically pranced (see Prongs people can prance) down to the dining hall for supper. That hope was immediately squashed when made his way over to his spot at the table where Lily, James, and Remus already sat waiting, and Sirius physically saw Remus shrink back into himself at the mere sight of him.  
“Heya Pads,” James welcomed excitedly.  
“Hey Prongsy” Sirius answered, trying to sound at least chipper. “What were you three talking about?”  
“Oh ya know, just how much of an idiot our Moony here is” James stated while patting Remus on the shoulder. Lily let out a laugh (I know I was surprised too) while Remus grumbled “Prongs” in a threatening manner.  
“Is that so? Remus, I thought you were the sensible one.” Sirius joked, secretly hoping to get an answer from Remus. All he got was a glare. That’s progress, at least he’s acknowledging my existence.  
“I hope you all get eaten by the squid.” Remus said a few moments later. Sirius knew it was supposed to be said as a threat but as soon as his eyes locked with James’s they both broke out into a fit of laughter. Progress, definitely progress.

I should hex them all. Remus thought while James, Lily, and Sirius laughed at his expense. Here Remus was just hoping to get some advice from two of his friends on what to do about Sirius,  
“It is kind of your own fault though Moony, you should just go apologize.”  
“Yeah, James is right”  
“I am?!”  
And all they can do is laugh at his pain while also giving true yet unhelpful advice.  
“Where were you anyway?” James asked Sirius a few moments later.  
“Oh I was just having a chat with good ol Minnie actually. Heads up though by the way, she knows that we’re Animagus. Can you pass the butter?” Sirius explained. Did he just say that McGonagall knows about the three of them?  
“What?! You told her!” James shouted with his mouth hanging open (full of food). Why on earth would Sirius do that?  
“Of course not Prongs, honestly. She figured it out, must have seen me transform on the lawn or something.” Sirius explained. Liar. Why would Sirius lie about this? Normally Remus might ask but you know, Remus was sort of ignoring Sirius at the moment.  
“Great, that's lovely. Is she at least going to give us extra credit?” James inquired while shoveling food into his mouth. He really should be asking if they’re going to get arrested.  
“Relax James she doesn’t know anyones forms, at least she didn’t say she did.” If she doesn’t know anyones forms then why did you say she saw you transform and that's how she found out? Liar.  
“You really ought to be more careful Sirius.” Lily suggested after taking a sip of pumpkin juice.  
“I am careful.” Sirius argued while pouting a bit. That is a bunch of bullocks Remus thought. You are the most un-careful person I know.  
“Sure Padfoot, whatever you have to tell yourself.”  
“That Prongs, is a personal offence, you are personally attacking me.” you’re also the most dramatic person I know.  
“Oh shut up both of you, honestly. Why am I friends with you?” Lily pondered aloud jokingly.  
“Because you looove us.” Sirius remarked while wrapping an arm over Lily’s shoulder.  
“No, I don’t think that's it. I’m pretty sure it's the food..” Lily explained, while shoving Sirius off her.  
“Food? What food?” James questions, taking a bite of steak.  
“I mean the food I always seem to get when I’m with you idiots. You always seem to have food.” The three of them laughed at that and couldn’t stop laughing until Peter showed up out of breath and pale faced.  
“Sorry, *gasp* I *gasp* had to… clean out the planters after class.” Peter explained. “I had accidentally broken a few while repotting the adult mandrakes”  
“It’s alright Wormy, why don’t you sit?” James suggested while scooting down the bench.  
“Thanks Prongs.” Peter said while plopping down on the bench and pilling his plate with at least one serving of everything.  
“No problem Pete.” Everyone continued chatting afterwards but Remus couldn’t pay attention. He kept thinking about Sirius. Whether it was Sirius’s face, his hands, how his full pink lips moved when he smiled, or the very big problem he now has because of his big mouth, his thoughts were full of Sirius. How am I going to fix this? Do I even want to? Of course I want to, Sirius is my best mate. No matter what he did the thoughts and the worry filled his mind to the brim. He tried shaking his head; didn’t work. He tried taking a glass of water; didn’t work. It wasn’t until Remus felt a warm, reassuring hand on his that he could finally take a steady breath. Remus swerved his head to the side and found Lily looking at him with worry in her vibrant green eyes. They seemed to say “are you okay?” and Remus just squeezed her hand back to say “yeah, I’m alright”.  
Once everyone had finished their diner, they all walked up to the common room together. When they reached the Fat Lady’s portrait Lily gave the password (Wizzerwulf) and they all walked inside and headed for the couch by the fireplace. James would say that it was his talents in persuasion that got Lily to stay and hang out with them but in reality Remus knew that all of Lily’s other friends were already either busy with homework or with their boyfriends (Alice). So that was how about ten minutes later Remus found himself talking to Lily about their shared Arithmancy class while James tries to “woo” her (“I know she likes me Moony, I just know it”), also while Peter and Sirius are playing wizards chess (Peter was winning).  
And that was why that night while Remus lay in his bed with a warm fuzzy feeling in his chest, he decided that he’d try harder with Sirius tomorrow.

The wolf was on the move again. Hunting. The dog had gotten away again. Not this time though, no… not this time. There. That's the dog's scent. Right over there. And is that blood? Yes, yes it is. It's the dogs blood. Easy prey, the wolf thought. I finally have him now, the wolf thought. But as he entered a clearing he didn’t find the dog there like he had expected, he found a man. But that man was not a man but a boy. But that boy was not just any boy, the wolf knew this boy because this boy was not really just a boy but also a dog. But not just a dog, this boy was The dog. The dog that kept evading the wolf. The dog that was now injured. The dog that was now going to be the wolf’s dinner. As the wolf got closer he noticed the large claw marks along the boy's chest. Claw marks that were very similar looking to the wolf's very own claws. As the wolf continued to get closer he could make out the boys words, “Please Remus, please don’t hurt me. Please stop...stop... please.” Remus? The wolf thought. I am not Remus, I am wolf. The wolf crept closer and closer until he was right in front of the boys face. The boy was crying. Crying for his Remus. “Please Rem, please. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry, please forgive me.” The wolf didn’t know forgiveness, only hunger.

Crying. Sirius had woken up to crying. As Sirius let his eyes adjust to the darkness of his four poster bed he pulled back his curtains to see a shaking form laying in the bed beside his. A shaking form that belonged to Remus. Nightmare, Sirius thought. As he started to get up to walk over to Moony’s bed he was hit with the sudden realisation, what if Moony doesn’t want me in his bed? Sirius only let himself doubt for a few seconds before he came to the conclusion that just because they were having a row doesn’t mean he can’t still help his friend.  
“Moony?” Sirius whispered as he made his way over to Remus. Sirius could see Remus’s body still, obviously trying to feign sleep. “I know you’re awake Moony. Are you alright?” And when Remus still didn’t answer Sirius decided to just sit on Remus’s bed. Remus sat up to the feeling of weight at the end of his bed and when he looked at Sirius, Sirius could see his red eyes and the water streaked down his face; obvious evidence of suspected crying. “Oh Moony, come here.” Sirius offered gently, opening his arms up in invitation. Sirius couldn’t help but be surprised when Remus actually leaned in, letting Sirius hug him. “Shhh, it’s all okay Moony, you’re alright” Sirius whispered while tracing small soothing circles up and down Remus’s back. This seemed to just make Remus cry even harder though so Sirius just held him tighter and let him cry into his shoulder for as long as his friend needed.  
When Remus’s crying had finally seemed to stop Sirius pulled Remus’s head off of his chest and held his face in his hands. Beautiful, Sirius thought. “You wanna talk about it?” Sirius asked as he whipped away the stray tears on Remus’s face with the pads of his thumbs. Remus didn’t seem to want to meet Sirius’s gaze much less talk so Sirius just said, “It’s alright if you don’t want to, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Remus sniffled again at this like he might start crying again so Sirius just brought Remus’s head back to his chest and started smoothing down a patch of his hair.  
“No, I-I’d rather not.” Remus answered, voice cracking. Sirius just sat there while Remus lied against his chest, letting him calm down. After a few more moment, when Remus’s breathing finally evened out, Sirius lifted Remus’s head once more, but instead of holding his face and marveling at it (like he admittedly would have liked to), he rested Remus’s head back down onto his pillow so that he could get some more sleep. Beautiful, Sirius thought again while he stared at Remus’s calm sleeping form. Utterly beautiful.  
As Sirius lay in bed (his own bed now) he couldn’t help but wonder what Remus had dreamed about and could only hope it wasn’t one of the horrible wolf nightmares that Sirius knew plagued his friends' sleep. And as Sirius himself finally started to drift off again he fell asleep with thoughts of Remus’s endless bravery in his head. 

Remus was fucked.  
The next day Remus woke up feeling refreshed and healthy despite the horrible nightmare. But as soon as Remus laid eyes on Sirius guilt crashed into him in waves and it took everything in him not to rush out of the dormitory and hide from the world. So, Remus got up and got dressed like the reasonable adult he was but the thing was, Remus wasn’t at all in fact an adult. He was 17. Which is why after breakfast, operation “avoid Sirius at all costs” was a go.  
For the most part Remus’s plan worked. James and Peter could be counted on to keep conversation going, he didn’t have all of his classes with Sirius that day, and when he did he was partnered with Lily anyway so it was no problem. Easy peasy. It was not in fact “easy peasy”.

It was the end of the day and Remus was just walking down the corridor back to Gryffindor house when he noticed Sirius kneeling down in front of this little boy who appeared to be crying (and a first year Slytherin). They were far off in an adjacent hallway and it appeared to Remus that Sirius was trying to comfort the little boy. Now Remus isn’t normally a nosy person but in this situation Remus found himself hiding around the corner and trying to listen in before he could think better of it.  
“...hey Jacob, I’m Sirius”  
“Hello”  
“Are you alright?” he asked kindly.  
“Yeah I guess,” the boy, Jacob answered with a sniff.  
“What happened?” Sirius asked. Another sniff from Jacob.  
“These other Slytherins were making fun of me because-because of my glasses. Here, they-they broke them.” Jacob explained.  
“Oh no, I’m sorry about that Jacob. But let me tell you something,”  
“What?” Jacob asked, sounding more excited.  
“Wearing glasses doesn’t make you less of a wizard or less smart. One of my best mates, his name is James, has glasses and he gets all E’s on his report card. He’s a brilliant wizard.”  
“Really?”  
“Really really. You just have to work hard to prove them wrong don’t ya? I mean you’re a Slytherin, that means you are cunning and smart, I’m sure you’ll find a way.” Sirius said sincerely.  
“You really think so?” Jacob asked, starting to brighten up in attitude.  
“I know so!” Sirius exclaimed. “Plus there’s this really cool spell to fix your glasses anyway.”  
“Really!?”  
“Oh yeah, there're spells for everything. You want me to show you?”  
“Yes please!”  
“Alright my young wizard, pull out your wand then,” Remus heard a ruffling noise that must have been the boy's robes. “Good, good. Now repeat after me, Oculus Reparo!”  
“Oculus Reparo!” Jacob repeated.  
“Very good, that sounded perfect. Now you just have to point your wand at your glasses, say the spell and boom, good as new!” There was a moment of silence where Remus figured was the boy trying to find his glasses and gathering his courage to say the spell.  
“Oculus Reparo! Bloody Merlin, it worked!” Jacob exclaimed.  
“Nice job! And goodness you’ve got a mouth on you.” Sirius joked and then chuckled to himself. “I knew you could do it.”  
“Thank you so, so much Sirius.”  
“No problem Jacob, I’m happy I could help you.”  
“Oh, um, I’m sorry Sirius but I have to go for potions.” Jacob explained, sounding flustered.  
“That’s quite alright, I’ll see ya around though alright?” Sirius asked, getting up off the floor.  
“Yeah, I’ll see ya Sirius! Thanks again!” and with that, Jacob ran out of the hallway, right past Remus, blowing his cover in the process. He was so fucked. But when Sirius finally rounded the corner, spotting Remus, he just glared dagger eyes that could rival Lily’s. As if to say “I dare you to say something”. Remus chose to shut up. Merlin, he needed to find Lily.

“Lily!” Remus shouted across the common room, where fifteen minutes after the hallway incident did he find Lily doing homework by the fire.  
“Hello Remus. Is everything alright?” she asked, setting her quill down.  
“I am such a horrible person. What is wrong with me!?” is how Remus decided to start this conversation.  
“Hold up, what happened?”  
“I just saw and by saw I mean eavesdropped on Sirius helping this little Slytherin boy fix his glasses because a bunch of these older kids were picking on him. And then it hit me, Sirius is one of the nicest and kindest people I know, and I’ve been completely horrible to him for almost two months!” Remus explained.  
“Okay…”  
“And last night Sirius had helped me through a nightmare but today I just completely ignored him. What the fuck is wrong with me!? It's like I can’t help it. Lily, what the hell is wrong with me?”  
“You want my honest answer?” Lily asked, looking at Remus sceptically.  
“Yes, please.” Remus begged.  
“Alright, I think you’re scared.” What? That was not what Remus had expected, at all.  
“Scared? Of what?”  
“The fact that you’re in love with Sirius obviously,” What?! “Did you not already know that Remus? I’m sorry, you can come out to me too if you like, or did you not know that already as well?” What the bloody fuck is going on? Remus had no words, he could no longer speak. The best he could do was hold his mouth open and gape a Lily. There was no bloody way in hell Remus was in love with Sirius Black. No. Way.  
“What?” Remus asked, practically a whisper.  
“Did you really not know Remus?” all Remus could do was stare at her. Can people's brains reset because I think that's what's happening to me right now. “Well, then I guess I have to spell it out for you. You have been subconsciously pushing Sirius away when you say those things to him because you’re scared of your feelings for him. You following?” Remus nodded his head. “You are afraid of your feelings so you’re trying to make them go away the only way you know how, by pushing the person you have those feelings for away. And Remus don’t even try to deny it, I see the way you look at him and talk to him, it’s the same way James looks at me.” Remus couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He doesn’t look or talk anyway. Especially not the way James does to Lily. Does he?  
“Wait, so I’m gay?” Remus asked, completely serious. This was something he tried to never think too hard about. Sure he’s stared at a few blokes before back home but does that make him gay? Probably. No, definitely. Yup definitely at least a bit gay.  
“I can’t answer that for you Remus!” Lily explained.  
“I know I know, but am I?”  
“Remus! How is that the one thing you’re taking away from this conversation? I basically just explained all your problems to you yet you’re asking me if you’re gay?” Remus knew he was being thick, he just really didn’t want to think about the possibility of him being in love with one of his best friends. Sure all of the evidence was there, he always did have a different kind of relationship with Sirius than his other friends, and maybe he did stare just a tiny bit, and of course objectively he found Sirius quite attractive, but that didn’t mean he was in love with him, did it? But the more Remus thought about it (because what else was he going to do but think about it) the more it made sense. It explained why when Sirius touched him he got butterflies in his stomach and his skin felt hot, it was why he felt calm and at peace whenever Sirius was around and why he felt completely lost when Sirius wasn’t with him, and it was also why Remus would give anything to see Sirius smile, happy, safe. Fuck. Remus Lupin, was completely and utterly in love with Sirius Black.  
“Holy shit…” Remus exclaimed.  
“I know Rem, I know.” Lily said, patting him on the knee.  
“I’m such an idiot,”  
“I know,”  
“And completely stupid,”  
“I know,”  
“But what the fuck am I supposed to do know Lily?!” Remus shouted, throwing his arms up in the air in frustration.  
“You tell him obviously.” Lily explained, like it was in fact obvious,  
“What!? Are you mad? I can’t tell him!” Remus explained, looking at Lily as if she had in fact lost her mind.  
“What do you mean of course you can!”  
“No I can’t!”  
“And why not?”  
“Because! I’ll just mess it up, like I’ve messed everything else up for the past two months!” Remus expressed, feeling upset.  
“No you won’t! If James can manage to tell me he loves me three times a week, then you can tell Sirius you love him ONCE. It just has to come from the heart Remus and you’ll be fine.” From the heart, I could do that.  
“You know he really does love you right?” Remus asked.  
“Yeah, I know.” Lily answered. Remus then hoped that the two of them would be able to sort their shit out and get together soon. From the heart… Remus could definitely do that.

As it turns out, Remus definitely can’t do that. Everytime Remus tried to tell Sirius or even tried to look at him, his stomach would get in knotts and he’d chicken out at the last moment or he’d stutter and barely get any coherent words out of his mouth. How the hell am I supposed to do this? Remus thought. By Friday Remus had fallen back on his safety net, avoidance. Now this really isn’t the best option but it worked for him. If he didn’t see Sirius then he couldn’t speak to him and if he couldn’t speak to him then he didn’t have to tell him how he felt. Perfect. 

It was Sunday afternoon when Sirius had finally had enough. After Remus’s nightmare Sirius had hoped that they could finally sort out their issues and be mates again but no, Remus was avoiding him. And then after the hallway incident Remus was acting weird but still trying to talk to Sirius which he took as a good sign. Nope. As soon as Friday rolled round it was back to avoiding and Sirius couldn’t take it anymore.  
“James!” Sirius shouted into their dormitory.  
“Yeah, I’m here” James answered, waving his hand through the curtains of his four poster. “What’s up?”  
“Moony’s avoiding me...still” Sirius explained sadly.  
“Really? Still?” James asked, looking up from his Quidditch magazine.  
“Yup, I don’t know what to do! I’m completely stupidly in love with him but he hates me! What the fuck do I do?!” Did Sirius just admit that out loud?  
“I know mate, I’m glad you finally told me though. It was painfully obvious for like a year…” Yup, he definitely said it out loud.  
“You knew!?”  
“Of course I knew! I’m not your brother for nothing you know?”  
“I-I”  
“Look mate, it doesn’t bother me, love who you love, but you really should just talk to Moony. Corner him in a classroom or something,” This was why Sirius loved James so much. Always understanding, always loving, always there. Whenever Sirius needed him.  
“You're really okay with it?” Sirius asked, just to make sure.  
“Of course I am you bloody idiot. You’re my brother and I just want you to be happy” Sirius’s chest filled with so much warmth and love he felt like he might explode. So instead of bursting into tears he threw his arms around James in a tight embrace.  
“Thank you,” Sirius whispered.  
“You’re welcome you daft prick.” James answered, patting him on the back.

Two days went by without a word from Remus. And believe Sirius, it wasn’t from a lack of trying to talk to him. Just everytime Sirius opened his mouth, Remus always found an excuse to leave. But, Sirius wouldn’t give up. The full moon was this week and he HAD to fix this before then so that he could help Remus. So, that is how Sirius found himself taking a page out of the Potter handbook and cornering Remus in their dormitory so that they could talk things out.  
“Hey Moony can we talk?” Sirius started, blocking Remus’s exit to the door.  
“Um… actually Padfoot I-uh I have to actually um go an-” Remus stuttered out, not meeting Sirius’s eyes.  
“Do you really hate me that much Moony that you can’t even look at me?” Remus met Sirius’s gaze then and it was filled with such sadness that Sirius felt like his legs might give out if he looked at them for too long.  
“I don’t hate you Padfoot.” Remus muttered.  
“Really? Because the last time I checked it was you that was avoiding me, you that won’t speak to me, you that said all of those horrible things to me, and you Remus that leaves everytime I enter a room.” If Sirius kept going like this he was sure he would cry. Remus’s face flooded with so much sadness and so much guilt that he almost forgave him right then and there. Or had Sirius already forgiven him and this conversation was more of a confession?  
“I know, but I was wrong before Sirius.” Remus explained, taking a step closer.  
“Wrong about what?”  
“Sure you can be vain and be quick to anger but you’re also so kind and generous and loyal a-and selfless and brave. You’re the picture perfect Gryffindor and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life,” Remus expressed. Another step closer.  
“Than why would y-”  
“And I do want you there Sirius! Merlin, I want you there for every full moon, all of them. I-I want…” Remus was so close to Sirius he could feel his breath tickle his face. He could feel Remus’s heart pounding through his shirt.  
“You want what Remus?” Sirius whispered, tilting his head up slightly to meet Remus’s intense gaze. Sirius dare not move, dare not breath for fear of breaking this beautiful spell.  
“You. All of you. That's all I want.” There. Remus had said it. He’d said the thing that lay truest in both their hearts. Remus Lupin wants me, all of it Sirius thought. Sirius’s breath caught in his throat at the realization of what Remus had just confessed and he couldn’t believe it. But there was this small voice, a small voice of doubt asking this one question over and over in Sirius’s head.  
“Then why did you say those things? Why would y-” but Sirius didn’t get a chance to finish. Remus had cupped Sirius’s face and held it between his hands. And Remus held it so gently, so carefully that Sirius felt like he might die if he ever let go.  
“I said those things because I was scared Padfoot,” Remus explained.  
“Scared of what Rem?” Sirius asked, barely a whisper.  
“I was scared of how much I love you Sirius, and I’m so sorry.” Remus whispered back, his breath ghosting over Sirius’s lips. Sirius couldn’t believe his ears, Remus loved him, he loved him back. And for a moment all Sirius could do was stand there and stare disbelievingly into Remus’s eyes but once the wave of shock wore off Sirius was left with pure untainted happiness. The kind of happiness and joy that was all consuming. And then, then Sirius was kissing him. It was so perfect Sirius thought he saw stars. Remus’s soft lips fit so perfectly between his own Sirius wondered if they were made especially for him. This kiss was so perfect it felt like fate. When Remus kissed him like this, so softly and so lovingly, like they’re the only two people that matter, like he might die if he ever stopped, Sirius wonders why they haven’t been doing this the whole time.  
When they did finally break away panting and breathless, Sirius mumbled against Remus’s lips, “I love you to Remus.” They both smiled then against each others lips. Then Remus kissed him again chastly against his lips, then the corner of his mouth, then his nose, his cheek bones, both his eyelids. He kissed up Sirius’s face until he reached his forehead where he planted multiple feather-light brushes of the lips before resting their foreheads together.  
“We are such idiots aren’t we?” Remus asked softly, laughing gently.  
“Yes, yes we are.” Sirius answered laughing. And then they were kissing again and if it wasn’t the most perfect feeling in the world Sirius didn’t know what was.


End file.
